Journey from Scars to Stars
Journey from Scars to star- My journey after recurrent miscarriages.
Being an only child, I never knew what life’s struggles were about. I was blessed with the most loving parents, wonderful upbringing and the best of facilities one could ever ask for. Despite being the apple of my parents’ eyes, they ensured that I was taught to live a life of empathy, mutual love and discipline.
I was blessed with a wonderful husband, who loved me and encouraged me to be my best. It was beautiful and yes, I lived a fairytale life.
After two years of marriage, we decided to extend our family and have a baby. I never knew it could turn out to become so challenging. After a struggle of eight long months, I was pregnant. This was the most beautiful news for me and my husband. Being pregnant for the first time, we were very cautious. We took all precautions to be safe and cared for the little one in my womb.
Being on the heavier side, I was very always cautious of my weight and having read a lot of things about how weight could affect the unborn baby, I was always cautious and troubled.
The first three months of pregnancy flew smoothly with continuous bouts of terrible nausea but overall, it was a pleasant period, or I just thought so? One Saturday morning in the 4th month of my pregnancy, for reasons unknown I lost my baby. This was a major blow to me! The months following this mishap were not easy. Though physical healing was fast, emotional healing was painfully slow. Yet, in a few months’ time, I recovered and resumed my earlier lifestyle.
My lifestyle was not worth appreciating. It was filled with junk food, lack of exercise and miles away from God. This continued for couple of months. Suddenly society started pressurizing us to have a baby. That’s when I realized I had to lose the excess weight I was carrying. Unfortunately, my lack of dedication along with the norms in the society regarding my age and other criteria put me in a dilemma. At last, when I made up my mind to take my weight loss goals seriously, I became pregnant again!
Though this news was good, I was confused since I was intent on losing weight and pregnancy meant a full stop to my weight goals. Yet, with a strong heart I went ahead with the pregnancy and gave it my best shot. Since I had a history of miscarriage, I was advised complete bed rest, a protein-rich diet, injections, medicines and the like. However, despite all these efforts I suffered a miscarriage in my fifth month of pregnancy and lost my baby again. It was something my family and I could not stomach. It was horrific and beyond what I had expected. My family and friends were shocked, and I was in deep remorse. I thought this was the end of my dreams and wishes.
People around me were sympathetic. Some were genuinely concerned while others were looking for reasons to find faults. One of the harsh comments I received was about my weight — that it was my weight that had caused the loss of my babies. Though this comment was hard to swallow, it awakened a sense of guilt and shame in me. I started blaming myself for the whole episode. However, after a visit to my doctor and on his assurance that the miscarriages had nothing to do with my weight, I was relieved. Yet, I knew I had to take things seriously and change my lifestyle.
The journey after the miscarriages was hard but in a way it was beautiful. I discovered a lot of things and learnt some of the most important life lessons.
I realized that miscarriage was not God’s plan. Many of them around told me it is God’s plan you need to accept it. As much as I accepted it, I realized it was the devils work and I has to resist it. I decided to face the situation with faith and seek the support of the almighty. I learnt that it was ok to talk about miscarriage, but not negatively. I learnt to talk to other women and share the good news that, miracles happen and nothing is impossible to the almighty.
I started treating my body with respect. Our body is God’s temple and we need to respect it and take care of it. No, not just physically but emotionally and we need to stop speaking negative against it. Most importantly I learnt not to base my decisions on what others said, but pray to God discern what is right and act accordingly.
The days following the miscarriage were not easy. There were aches, pains and frustrations. But slowly I started to heal. I started reading my Bible, I started listening to the word of God and spending time in prayer. This became the best remedy for my wounded heart. My growing intimacy with God made me realize that miscarriage was not his will for me but devil’s evil design. I also realized When we have faith in Him, things will change, and miracles do happen.
Further, I decided to take my weight loss goals seriously. Though my weight had nothing to do with the miscarriage, I decided I need to treat by body with respect and not continue with an unhealthy body. I do not mind how many months it would take and who would be disappointed, But I would reduce my excess weight and become a healthy mom. I have begun taking baby steps and the results are beginning to show. I am sure I would be able to lose the excess baggage of my body soon.
Next, I decided to write about issues which are considered taboo. Earlier I was very diplomatic and was worried about what others would think if I wrote on sensitive issues. But after my miscarriage, I realized that it is necessary to write about everything more so about issues that you feel and care about. I have begun to write about topics which are sad along with topics that are happy. This decision is indirectly empowering me and making me a strong voice to bring out the issues which are otherwise considered to be non-existent.
Though for many people around me, my loss was miserable, I began to realize my scar was turning out to be a bright star, because my Jesus was comforting me. Losing a baby was hard but the days that followed turned out to be better. I began to change my unhealthy lifestyle and started heading towards a healthy one. I have begun to pursue my interests and most importantly I have begun to trust and rely on the Supreme Power. For many people God may be fiction but after my miscarriage, he has turned into a reality. My spiritual journey has made me hopeful, joyful and given me a reason to live and love again!